My dad used to tell me and my brothers that patience is a virtue. As an adult, I have come to view this saying as a both a truth and a tactic. It’s no coincidence that he would impart this nugget of wisdom on us during times when HE needed patience to deal with our antics, I just didn’t notice that as a child.
Looking back, I know that he lived by this saying for a number of reasons. It’s a good mantra for people who are poor or struggling. And for most of his life, my dad has been poor or struggling or both. Sometimes people get offended by the use of the word “poor”. Trust me, it is not a description that my father would hesitate to use for himself. Ever ridden in a Poor Man’s Camper? Not a recognizable term? Probably because it is one of those things that my father invented out of desperation.
Poor Man’s Camper defined: A refrigerator box in the back of a pickup truck, filled with kids and about to travel a few hundred miles on MT roads so that transport of the entire family would be possible in the one vehicle we owned. Also known as a box of potential death or, to my brother, Sonny, the box of torture where he was forced to lick chicken Mcnugget sweet & sour sauce off the cardboard walls. Forced by me. Because he spilled it and I didn’t want it to get in my hair. It was fine, he could see the gross spots with no struggle; we were child geniuses and had poked holes through the cardboard for light.
My father is a highly talented sculptor. He can paint and draw too, but he loved sculpting. His sculptures are breathtaking- and not in the “I can kind of relate to what the artist is doing on subconscious level” way… more in the “holy &%$&^, that is so beautiful I can’t believe you made it” way. I truly believe that if he had more administrative skills and less children, his career would have been much different. He never gave up with his work, even though it meant months of travelling, going to art shows all over the US and long stretches of having no money at all. My childhood memories are riddled with waxballs, foundry tailings, paint specks and art pencils. He believed in following his dreams, he wanted all of us to believe in our following our own dreams too. My mom tried not to give up, she really did- but years of near isolation and being almost solely responsible for the daily tasks of raising four kids eventually took their toll.
Of course when the marriage ended, I blamed her- because I was 12 and dumb. Romance and dreams just don’t feed, clothe or diaper children and you can’t stay in love with someone who is always gone. He was running around the country as a hip, starving artist (ok, he probably would say that is not as glorious as it sounds, and I know it wasn’t). She was the “welfare mom” dragging 4 kids around Montana towns where she knew no one without a car. I can understand this now that I’m almost 40 and a little less dumb. Mom only had to wait for about 10 years for me to come to my senses and cut her some slack.
Still, my brothers and I idolized our dad. Remember how when taking a solemn vow as a kid, you used to say “I swear to God” because you really, really meant it? It seemed that the consequences of having lied in an oath including God’s name were bad beyond imagination. Well…my brothers and I used to ask each other “You swear in Dad’s Name?” to ascertain whether the truth was being told. I know. It’s hilarious and sad and we’re all cool with that because sad is always easier with a little bit of humor. Those who have done some real suffering in life know that this is a truth of surviving tragedy and hardship. The divorce between my parents was long, truth be told, it pretty much consumed my life after the age of 12. By the time I was 16, I was thoroughly convinced that my parents would hate each other forever and I would never be allowed the privilege of planning an event with my future husband and kids that wouldn’t include having to keep my parents separate.
That was true for a few years, but thankfully, patience is a virtue and grand-kids change everything. I think the reason for that is because grand-kids mean your kids are full grown and you KNOW how fast it happened. You realize that time with them while they are little really should be a high priority and you’re willing to work through your own personal issues in order to soak up that time. By the time my parents came up for air from their custody battle, two of their kids were old enough to decide who they wanted to live with. These days, my parents easily hang out with eachother at family functions and, actually, my brothers and I get totally creeped out if they spend any amount of time alone. No, Mom & Dad, you can’t go outside and share a smoke, we’ve had enough of your antics, thank you.