I am not this girl,
waiting like a dog waits to be thrown a scrap,
questioning, my thoughts firing into the darkness where they fade like they have no meaning
I am not here, trying to keep hope from being strangled
I am not this girl, offering my little black heart to be crushed into grime,
dragging myself through a myriad of why’s and why not’s.
I am not this girl who sits back and wonders which words sent you scattering away,
who looks at the mirror and sees nothing but routine and fatigue that serve as reason for you to leave,
who sees herself in windows while she’s walking downtown and thinks,
“Of course you were fooling yourself, stupid, childish, naïve…. FOOL.”
I am not this girl who looks for your face on the people passing by,
who tortures herself with bets about
whether you tell the truth,
whether you are real,
whether you are wanting me,
I am not this girl.
** This Girl is my contribution to Open Link Night at dVerse Poet’s Pub ~ Week 86.